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A whole new world:

I was excited to start my swiping journey in a major city. I was hopeful that there would be a wide array of interests, style and perspectives that might challenge and inspire me. And in fairness, I have found them…. However, maybe not in the positive way I imagined.

Preface:

Please bear in mind. I am a 30-something professional. I have my filters set to 30-40(ish) – there might be a silver fox out there, just for me! I also have filters on for distance, future family preference and the type of relationship you want. So I really am just getting a snap shot! Maybe I’ll relinquish control of these filters one day and see what other unhinged behaviour I come across but I still have a tiny fragment of hope that these apps might work for me.

So, back to it. Therefore, these filter mean that the men that are coming up on my feed are on average in their mid to late 30’s, want or will consider children and generally have well established jobs.

And these are the considerations I am having to make… I hate to think what it would be like otherwise!

Manicured Moustaches:

The manicured moustache. Maybe the least offensive of the 3 – and dare I admit it, something I am starting to become somewhat more attracted to. However, I suspect that might be down to exposure therapy.

It should be simple, man + moustache = not a problem, personal preference.

However, in this modern world of dating it unfortunately poses many questions mainly surrounding what does this facial hair mean? As unfortunately, it is underlined with subtle hints of misogyny across the dating apps that cause you to stop and questions everyones choices.

Are you jumping on a trend and hoping to make those who love a bit of hipster culture fall for you? I, for one, am not averse to a bit of hipster culture myself. Are you wearing it ironically, with a hint of vintage aesthetic served with a side of satire? Again, not a problem, I don’t mind a bit of tongue in cheek humour. Or do you just genuinely enjoy the manicured moustache look and are a hipster at heart (which I am entirely here for!). It’s these guys I feel for – as unfortunately the problems with ‘taches runs a little deeper and a little bit darker.

Unfortunately, the biggest question that arises, are you appearing evolved, embodying the softboi, highly curated culture, but you haven’t really done the inner work and its subtly hiding your true belief system?

This is the scary one which is thought of due to the permeation of subtle misogyny across profiles.

This subtle misogyny that follows the moustache is reinforced by the characters who refer to it as a ‘pornstace’ – an ironic homage or a throw back to a more unsettling time? Is it a Torjan horse disguising hypermasculinity, hypersexuality and regressive values?

It’s a minefield and I’d like to celebrate a man with a manicured moustache – someone who obviously takes care of themselves and their facial hair – without the confusion that this underlying current of subtle misogyny such comments brings to it.

Mullets:

Number 2 on the appears everywhere list – the mullet.

Again, potentially just an ironic fashion choice. The culture of rebellious youth. Anti-fashion-as-fashion.

It’s the hair version of quoting Nietzsche in your Hinge bio (this too has also been observed) – evolved or pretending to be evolved?

Again, I am more than happy to support personal preference, but the culture that surrounds the mullet makes you stop and scratch your head (while secretly wondering if there’s a can of Tennents stashed in the back pocket of those skinny jeans).

Because the mullet isn’t just hair. It’s a statement. But what kind of statement depends entirely on the wearer. Are you signalling carefree fun and chaotic energy? Fine. Are you clinging to your glory days in the mid-2000s indie scene? Relatable. Or are you hoping the mullet will do the heavy lifting of a personality you never quite got round to developing? Less endearing.

The trouble is, much like the moustache, the mullet seems to attract a spectrum of men that ranges from “quirky but kind” to “may start a podcast about alpha-male dominance at any moment” – again, I have observed both! And once again, I’m stuck trying to play amateur anthropologist instead of just, you know, deciding whether I’d like to grab a coffee with someone.

Ultimately, the mullet feels like a gamble. Swipe right, and you could end up with a fun, free-spirited partner who doesn’t take life too seriously. Swipe wrong, and suddenly you’re sitting opposite someone in a dive bar while they monologue about how society is too soft these days.

And so I ask myself: do I really want to take that gamble? Or do I just quietly pray that one day, hair will go back to being… well, just hair?

Misogyny:

And to sum this all up… My problem lies neither with moustaches or mullets but the way they have become cultural shorthand for attitudes towards women. It’s not the hair that makes me pause; it’s the creeping suspicion that somewhere behind the ironic aesthetic lurks a man who still thinks feminism is a dirty word. Now I realise the men supporting these bold fashion choices may not have any of these misogynistic tendencies but the prevalence of them on dating apps is horrifying.

I, naively, believed I lived in a world where we were on a path to women being equal and being treated fairly. However, clearly I am lucky to be surrounded by men who support these values and my eyes have been opened to this rather antique world, that I had hoped was far behind us.

You may be wondering what has made me have such strong views then considering I thought we were on a progressive pathway so I will quickly unpick some of the casual misogynistic comments that are so prevalent on dating apps and the problems they present for women:

Let’s start off lightly with the “jokes” that rely on tired stereotypes: women drivers, women who can’t cook, or even the inexplicably scary Rugby Girls. Firstly, the age old “joke” that women are unable to drive correctly – it is just down right outdated and rude. We all have the same piece of paper that says we can drive (and I am more than happy to be the passenger princess or for you to be) but just stop, its entirely ridiculous. Moving on there’s the expectation that women must cook… why is that solely my role? I would like a relationship where such duties are shared, not automatically my responsibility, yet these profiles scream ‘traditional roles only,’ and I’m just not here for it.. And don’t even get me started on the “Rugby Girls” and how absolutely chauvinistic this is. It implies that this sport is only for males, that women shouldn’t be strong (or if you are, you are judged and potentially deemed unattractive for it), implying that strong, fit women are unwanted. This is especially frustrating when women’s sports are breaking records and athletes are speaking openly about the challenges they’ve overcome. These comments feel even more out of touch in 2025. On paper, these are supposed to be funny, but the subtext is clear: women exist to fit pre-determined, outdated moulds, and if you don’t, you’re “irrational” or “problematic”.

Then there’s the darker kind of humour that masquerades as wit but is actually thinly veiled hostility It’s not just a problem on apps – it reflects a wider pattern where women’s voices, skills, and intellect are undervalued, both professionally and personally. Let’s look at the examples I have seen: men who are“looking for my future ex-wife”, who want women with“the ability to shut the fuck up”, and men who don’t want women to have an opinion“you pick the subject and I will tell you why you are (so) wrong.”  Here, the laugh track is optional, because the underlying message is that women are disposable, annoying, or inherently flawed – and if you dare to take them seriously, you’re the problem. So, where do you even start with this? We are living in a world where divorce rates are falling. I am assuming because people have more information, counselling and therapy are less stigmatised and generally people take time to ensure their values are aligned at the start of relationships and communication and the ability to talk openly about these are key. Therefore, why on earth would I want a partner who already doesn’t see a long term future with me? The mind boggles. Furthermore, this links to women, their thoughts, opinions and intellect not being valued or seen as a threat to some men. We live in a society where women, despite being equally qualified and hardworking, are underrepresented in the workplace, face obstacles to promotion and contend with persistent gender pay gaps. Male domination is still pertinent – we do not need this fractured society mirrored in our homes when we come back from a days hard graft.

Now I realise there is some contradiction in this next paragraph – I have written sections on hair cuts and male grooming (mainly as a a way to promote discussion about the discourse and should highlight I’m not fussed if you have a moustache or a mullet, as long as you are happy with it!) However, this does not seem to be the case for some men also seem determined to police women’s bodies and confidence. Exhibit A: “Your personality being bigger than your botox”  is not clever. It’s a jab that implies women’s choices are fake or unacceptable, while men remain the arbiters of taste. We could also look at this from the other POV and I am leaning towards the thought that this same man would also point out any wrinkles and suggest you get botox. I am sorry men, it is my body, my face, my choices and I will make them in an informed manner and my personality will not be affected by them so lets leave each other’s choices be and allow everyone to be confident and their own person. Similarly, comments wanting a partner to be “loyal, have womanly tendencies and don’t crave attention” or men who are looking for women who are the “same for most of the month” attempt to set arbitrary, controlling standards for what a woman should be, from her behaviour to her emotions. Navigating these invisible rules is exhausting and entirely unnecessary in this day and age. We are our own people, our personalities should be compatible but you cannot tell me what tendencies to have or not to crave attention – I am a human who does require this to achieve Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and self actualisation. And if you are looking for a woman who is not affected by her menstrual cycle – try having one. Try navigating cramps, fatigue, fluctuating appetite and emotional swings while juggling work, social life, exercise, cooking and cosmetic appointments. These are real-life challenges, not excuses – yet comments like these by some can so easily make us feel our emotions are annoying or unnecessary. I don’t think I need to go on. Despite these examples, I hope there is a well balanced man out there that realises this and can support me through the ups and downs of life, just like I would do for him.

Now for the most worrying part, the not so subtle celebration of toxic masculinity. Profiles proudly proclaiming they’re “happiest when watching Andrew Tate reels” or that they want to “be a provider” are not ironic or quirky. They’re aspirational, signalling adherence to a worldview where women’s worth is conditional, hierarchical and outdated. I wonder who thinks that they are going to attract someone with such comments? At this stage in my life I am looking for someone who is open minded, interesting and generally a decent (if not slightly flawed) human – because lets face it, we are all flawed. But a man who watches this vitriol… someone who likes to watch someone who devalues women, normalises dominance and aggression, glorifies materialism and status and celebrates toxic masculinity is, quite frankly, incredibly worrying and is not someone who I want to spend my very precious free time with. At this stage, I value curiosity, empathy and mutual respect far more than bravado, materialism or rigid dominance. Someone who embodies these qualities is far more attractive than a man flaunting toxic ideologies online. I shudder to think of a weekend spent with someone whose role model encourages devaluing women, bragging about dominance and obsessing over material status – do I also get a lecture on who’s alpha while making dinner, which will no doubt be critiqued? It is concerning that this trend is so obvious (especially to someone who lives with their head in the clouds). The problems and the impact extends beyond dating apps. What’s worrying is that these profiles aren’t just harmless quirks – they reflect and reinforce wider patterns in society. The rise of Incel culture – highlighted in the Netflix drama Adolescence – shows how women are often blamed for men’s struggles in finding partners. Violence and aggression toward women, unfortunately, remain persistent problems in society. These are the challenges women continue to face and seem to be remaining a fixture of life, which seems ludicrous to a liberal person in 2025.

So you can maybe understand a little better why I started this discussion with the moustaches and mullets. Unlike the mullets and moustaches, that are generally ironic and harmless, these comments and words that permeate dating apps are the ones that carry real ideological weight – they’re not style choices, they’re warning signs. Unfortunately, when misogyny appears alongside ironic mullets or moustaches, it creates a dissonance: style choices meant to appear playful or “evolved” end up carrying baggage from a culture that hasn’t fully moved on.Taken together, it’s a pattern that’s both exhausting and disheartening. These comments, casual as they may seem, chip away at the hope that dating apps could be spaces for genuine connection. Instead of swiping through potential partners, you find yourself swiping through microaggressions, clichés, and covert hostility – trying to decode whether the next quirky hairstyle masks a progressive thinker or a relic of an outdated mindset.

Meaningful matches:

Despite all the red flags, ironic hairstyles, and eye-roll-inducing comments, I haven’t lost hope. Somewhere in the endless swipes, there are men who genuinely value curiosity, empathy and mutual respect – the kind of people who you hope will share the load, listen without judgement and support a partner through life’s ups and downs. The kind who celebrate your choices, cheer on your ambitions and enjoy the little moments together without needing to dominate or impress. These are the profiles that make my heart lift, the rare glimpses of connection that remind me why I’m here in the first place. For every cringe-worthy bio or subtle microaggression, there are people out there who spark genuine curiosity, laughter, and excitement – someone whose personality complements mine and whose values align. And, thankfully, when you find that – even if something romantic doesn’t come of it – the swiping, the scrolling, and even the occasional frustration all feel worthwhile. Because, at the end of the day, it’s not the hair, the bio, or the bravado – it’s finding someone who lifts you up, shares the load, and makes life feel a little lighter together.